Accentuate the positive!
I have seen two clients this week who were both completely mired in negativity. They could have spent the whole session telling me what they didn’t want or what was bad about their life or situation.
My role, I believe, is to enable people to discover what they DO want. To get a sense, a picture, a vision if you like of what a good future will look like and to focus on that, developing the idea and expanding it wider and wider, adding detail all the time.
There was never truer expression than, “What we resist, persists”.
So next time you hear yourself saying, “I hate my job/partner/family situation”, ask yourself what your ideal life would look like - what do you love and where do you want to be - and focus on that. You’ll be surprised how empowering an exercise it can be.

Awoke on Saturday morning to a faint glimmer of light through the closed curtains and the sound of distant gunfire as the French hunters decimate the wildlife on the Marais du Cotentin! A persistent buzzing emanates from the rafters - a large insect trapped in a small space - let's hope it stays there.

We have come to the Mud Hut on this occasion principally to wage war on the Cluster flies , which have been a real nuisance this year. Having suffered a literal plague in April and October, we researched on the Internet (www.the-piedpiper.co.uk/th6e.htm) and found that they lay their eggs in the bodies of earthworms but roost or overwinter in loft areas or walls. We have always noticed a few flies in the Spring and Autumn but this year they must have invited all their families and friends to share our roof space!

We came armed with a powerful insecticide "bomb" which we set off in the morning and quickly left to work for 3 hours while we vacated the premises. We seem to have caught quite a few flies and will be leaving a milder (and safer) insecticide spray going at intervals for a few weeks to hopefully finish the job. We will also leave bunches of rosemary and bowls of lavender as apparently strong smelling herbs act as a repellent and discourage the flies from entering in the first place.

Sadly we seem to have caused the death of a variety of spiders and other harmless insects: lacewings, a ladybird, a very large wasp and a few moths and shield bugs, which must have also been innocently sheltering in our mud walls and boarded rafters.

Sunday was a beautiful day and we took time off from painting the now not so new shower room to wander over the Marais de Sangsuriere, which we had not explored before. We watched a flock of starlings wheeling and diving in a black cloud, constantly changing shape, and a few sandpipers rose in the air as we walked. The marsh near our house is already flooded, reflecting a blue, blue sky and piles of fluffy white clouds in its icy waters. Beautiful, peaceful, relaxing and restorative.

I have been thinking this week a lot about friendships. I am an only child and was kept quite isolated when I was young, only being allowed to mix with children of my parents' friends. I remember this as a really distressing experience, as they knew each other and went to school together and I was a complete outsider.

When I was 9 we moved from Devon to Surrey and I had great trouble making friends at school. Looking back I now see that I really wanted to have one special friend, rather than a group and when I did find a friend, I found it very difficult to share her with others.

This actually carried on throughout my life and up until about two years ago I would have numbered the people I considered my friends on the fingers of one hand. I found it very difficult to share friends with others and also it was hard to be with two special people at the same time - my partner and my best friend, for example. I know years ago I just could not juggle the demands of my father and my then husband.

Recently though I have had a revelation. I am suddenly learning (and I really don't know why or how this change has come about) that I actually have many friends, or certainly people who consider me their friend and whom I am now very happy to call my friends. I have met them through may different activities: sport, work, volunteering, networking and by taking part in my partner's hobbies. I am suddenly finding getting to know people interesting and fun and have never felt so supported and loved... and I am a much happier and more relaxed person as a result. a win - win revelation, you might say.

So, my message, it is important to be aware of other's love and appreciation of you and to value them as special people in your life.

I've recently been reminded that it's so easy to slip into patterns of behaviour without even noticing until, one day months or even years down the line, we find ourselves in a place we definitely don't want to be with no idea how we got there. A very frightening experience and one that demands courage and determination to change.

We often blame those around us for where we end up - partner, children, boss or friends - but the reality is we ourselves are to blame and the first step towards getting back the life we really want is to recognise this. I always tell clients who grumble about or blame others in their life for their situation, that in my therapy room we cannot change another person, however much we moan about them. The solution lies within ourselves and what we can change is the way we react to those irritating or destructive others. If we no longer allow them to push our buttons, then there will be no pay off for them in attempting to wind us up or put us down. Likewise, if we forge ahead doing everything the moment it seems to need doing, jumping in and taking control of every situation, then others never have a chance to help - or to shine.

When we decide to take a back seat at least some of the time and allow others to develop and show their skills, everyone will be happier and we will have more time to take care of ourselves and enjoy some of the fun and replenishing activities we haven't had time for for quite a while.

Ask yourself if this is you. If it is, then acknowledge what changes you need to make to take care of yourself as well as those around you.

Technology - doesn't it drive you mad! I have a beautiful new computer (64 bit apparently). I am very, very pleased with it - Windows 7 and all that - but annoyingly it won't allow my Blackberry to sync with my Outlook. As I am booking in clients from week to week, it get quite paranoid about losing my phone, dropping it into the dishwasher or slamming it in the car door, and losing all my contacts and appointments. Then I had the brilliant idea of syncing to an on line calendar ..... and I did! Grateful thanks to Philip of www.zuuMedia.com who was kind and patient to give me advice on how to do this. Philip's company, zuuMedia.com, provides technical support remotely to small and medium size businesses for a very reasonable monthly fee and I can certainly recommend him.

Last week I received a wonderful testimonial from a client who came to see me recently to lose weight. I find that there is almost always other work to be done before any intervention to lose weight can be successful. Sometimes just listening is all that is needed. At other times a gentle hypnotherapy intervention where the client can explore his or her own emotions and reconcile them will need to be done first. Here are my client's comments:

Well you said its not magic but I'm beginning to wonder!! I feel really great and I've not eaten a single piece of chocolate or cake since we met. I did the dreaded deed and bought myself a weighing scales last Saturday. it was difficult for me but I faced the truth and I've lost 4 pounds just this week. I have that marvellous sensation that something is happening after all these years. My colleagues are amazed because a large amount of chocolate comes through our office. Its not even as if I'm trying to resist the temptation, I'm just not interested.

A really lovely outcome for a really lovely lady who was so willing to work and to bring about change within herself!

Last night I attended a fashion show put on my four young students from a local comprehensive school. In October 2007 two of the present team set up a Young Enterprise company within the school to produce custom clothing for initially friends and later teams and local businesses. I was one of the two YE volunteer business advisers who helped them get off the ground. The company had a managing director and a creative director but struggled initially to get others to commit to managerial roles. They now have a team of four working well together.

Last night was a triumph. The company has gone from strength and a selection of the orders they have recently received were modelled. The show was in aid of cancer research and was attended by about 200 people.

I have also been involved with another school locally where all the students I encountered we polite, interesting and talented. Surrey Chambers of Commerce have set up a Young Chamber in this school and it is working well.

As a counsellor I also see a proportion of young people ranging in age from 5 to early twenties. Again, although they come with difficult issues which are troubling them, they are without exception excellent young people with very special talents and a desire to overcome their problems and succeed in life.

We are so ready in Britain to put down our young people and complain about them. We never read about the clever and successful ones in the newspapers or hear them on radio or TV. Obviously bad kids are good news in that they sell papers and attract viewers and listeners. So I would like to raise a rousing cheer for all those young people out there who are doing a wonderful job and who are our future.

The sun is fading along with our tans and the season of “mists and mellow fruitfulness” is upon us. Actually I really love autumn –the smells, the colours, those gossamer floating cobwebs that brush your face in the mornings and, of course, the fruits. And it seems that this year there really is an abundance of fruits. I have already made green tomato chutney and plum jam and now have a huge bag of pears to turn into some kind of preserve. At the moment I have not quite decided what. The resident blackbird is attacking the Pyracantha berries with gusto and the blue tits seem to have found something delicious to eat amongst the silver birch twigs. I hope supplies last through the winter!

The cooler, shorter days never seem so hard to adjust to when they follow a wonderful summer like this one. Apart from the lovely weather we enjoyed in England, we also deviated from our normal routine and spent two weeks in Provence in August, a 40th birthday party with extended family from all corners of the world. Given the complications of our family situation, the potential for disaster was enormous but everything went swimmingly, literally, as much time was spent in and around the pool and on a marathon canoe trip down the River Drome. Well done Sam (12) for finishing up front with the leaders and also to Judith who completed it single handed despite her disability.) The weather was beautiful every day and the trips down and back by car also very enjoyable. We stayed in a wonderful hotel at Meaulne near Bourges where the food was exquisite and the atmosphere welcoming and comfortable. I do love travelling through France, although sadly we missed the sunflower and lavender season.

Sadly too, my older daughter could not join us from America but we all toasted her and talked about her so I hope she felt included and loved.

There was quite a dearth of clients during August but with the advent of September, numbers are building again as people return from their holidays back to the same old problems and same old routine. Prior to the holiday I was dealing with some challenging issues with clients: affaires and divorce, mental abuse and bullying at work. These latter two can all be as damaging if not more than physical abuse, as the injuries do not show on the outside, and I do encourage anyone being treated badly in any way to seek help quickly before the abuser really gets the upper hand, saps you will and confidence and renders you powerless. It happens so subtly. Be on your guard.

A client asked me today if she could use the F word. Of course you can, I replied. Sometimes the F word is the only f*>x%?g word that will do, isn't it? Let it go. Express it. Believe me, in my therapy room there are no words I haven't heard. Express yourself in safety in whatever what you need to.

Two amazing clients today, living with experiences which are almost unimaginable. One has reminded me that abuse takes many different forms. It cannot always be detected by bruises on the outside. Psychological abuse shows no outward signs but can be equally if not more damaging. It works in the same way, leading the abused person to lose all belief in themselves, their self worth and likability.
If you are being abused or know someone who you suspect is the victim of either physical domestic violence or psychological abuse, I have found that the police can be very understanding and helpful, certainly in my area. They will be able to make referrals to appropriate agencies locally, certainly in the UK, who can give advice and practical help.

No matter what we may have done, we all deserve to be listened to and treated with respect.

Please, please, please spare me from people who don't speak their mind. I cannot bear all this pussy-footing around in my personal and business life. With clients it's different. It takes patient exploration to get to the truth. That's my skill and what I'm paid for.

But, if someone has a problem or an issue with me or my business life, then please talk to me about it. We can listen and understand each other, clear up misconceptions, talk things through. It beggars belief what assumptions have been made this week from perfectly innocent remarks, emails and conversations. If you are concerned about something, raise it, talk about it, seek clarification, speak to people who know the truth, the origins. I know I am guilty of the same thing, but it is a very valuable lesson to learn.

Don't make assumptions, don't make 2+2 add up to 105. It helps no-one, least of all yourself.

Brilliant supervision session. Problems aired, mind cleared, decisions made. Action planned - already begun in fact. Also great news that we have a new supporter for my charity, www.homestartwoking.org.uk with a generous donation to our funds. Feeling so much more buoyant. A weight off my shoulders.

Goodness me, I'm beginning to sound like a grumpy old woman! Am off to "dump" some of my client problems on my supervisor and have arranged a session of hypnotherapy for myself with a colleague next week. Self hypnosis is all very well - worked brilliantly for me when I played my tennis matches - but there's nothing like putting yourself in the skilled hands of another trusted therapist.
Meanwhile, a lovely weekend if France to look forward to..... with interesting places to visit and surprises in store, I'm promised.

I have been saddened of late by so many clients who are allowing themselves to be put under insupportable stress in order to maintain a lifestyle. To step down from two people earning to just one seems to be an adjustment most new families simply do not have the luxury of contemplating, let alone achieving. Many couples work long hours, leaving their child or children to be brought up in nursery care or by a child minder.
Please don't get me wrong - I am not making a judgement here. I didn't take readily to motherhood myself and was soon on the look out for a part time job to relive the unremitting boredom of being with baby, and later babies. But parents (and either mother or father could be the main carer of the children) seem to spend so little time day to day with their children and sometimes, even when they do, they are totally focused on achievement and development rather than on play and having fun together.
The world seems to be giving us the message that we must have everything new and up to date, that simply enjoying a child's company is not enough. We must be making sure they are stimulated and entertained all their waking hours. My own children spent hours playing imaginary games in the garden, getting dirty, sometimes helping their Dad. We holidayed in England until they were 8 and 10, going to the seaside every year where again they spent days on end trawling through pools, climbing the rocks and making sand castles. Yes, we did visit nearby attractions, but not daily. Later we ventured to France, camping near a lake or by the sea, continuing until they began to plan holidays themselves with friends. Life seemed so simple then.
Yes, we were short of money. I worked for a charity and earned relatively little. But I think we were not only happy but content. They survived divorce and moving to a smaller home without obvious damage. My children look back fondly on their childhood, and both have children of their own now who are being brought up in a very similar way.
I wonder what we could do to change the "have it all" culture that seems to prevail now. We would all be so much happier, content, in fact.

AND ... I seem to be feeling incredibly creaky. Maybe my low mood is affecting my physical body too. Rest and relaxation is what is need ... and that right soon.

Clearly the gods are not smiling on me at the moment, or perhaps the planets are out of alignment. It seems every other client is cancelling, not attending, not responding, not paying - the going is hard.

I am surprised at just how much this has affected my mood in the last week and I am looking forward to my one to one supervision in a few days. When things like this happen, it is difficult to hold on to the good feedback and remain positive about my skills.

The situation is made worse by the problems current clients are presenting with, which are all heavy and in the category of "only time will heal": relationship breakdown, bereavement, job losses. I know my role is a valuable one for them, in that in some cases I am the only person they have talked to about their situation and also that they can say things to me that they could not say to friends or family members without feeling disloyal or judged, and get in touch with emotions they keep hidden from their nearest and dearest in order to appear strong and to protect children and family, for example.

It makes me reflect on the importance of my regular supervision sessions and also be thankful for the cheerful, chatty,irreverent social networking on facebook which lightens my mood. It's great to be in touch with such a variety of people and share their jokes and quips and view of events both personal and public.

Looking forward to a complete break away next weekend - an opportunity just to be me. I really feel I will have earned it!

I have two brilliant clients at the moment, both so committed to change, which is, of course, why they have come to Mind to Change!
They each have a weight issue: one is clinically obese and literally eating herself into an early grave, whilst the other is bulimic. Body image is a difficult problem for both of them in different ways. One has a no concept of her body, has always seen herself as overweight and has now eaten herself to the size she believed was predicted for her by her father. The second woman, and they are both women, is slim and attractive but has a completely distorted view of physical self. Two sides of the same coin, you might say.
As always with weight problems, there are deep, underlying issues stemming from way back - casual remarks, cruel words, lack of parental love - can all mean that people will either feed or starve themselves, causing actual physical harm and danger to their mental well being and happiness, filling, starving or harming themselves as a result of what happened in the past.
Today I used a regression technique which for one particular client was very powerful indeed.
She also told me that, while she thought our second session had not been as effective as the first, the learning from it has been developing and increasing over the intervening time between our sessions.
The important thing is that both clients are completely committed to overcoming their problems and my aim is to help them both to find a new, healthy relationship with food that no longer means using it as a punishment, reward, means of allaying anxiety or mood enhancer.

The teacher at my gym class this week asked if we were all "injury free". Several members of about my age and stage laughed hollowly....

My right knee has been dodgy since I wobbled off my high heels carrying a large cider bag in a box down the path to the car in November. My left shoulder got better during my Pilates retreat in September, but now the right one has stiffened up! Both my next to big toes are numb and I have a touch of tennis elbow! My left knee gives the odd twinge and I must have hurt my thumb when I fell over skiing as that now aches in the cold. I think "injury free" might be a synonym for dead!!!

I belong to a women's networking group called Athena. The Guildford branch meets at L'Auberge in Clandon and meetings are always very enjoyable and informative and, in the 18 months since I joined, have proved very productive for both in terms of sharing ideas and support and in actually attracting new clients to my practice.
Today we had a wonderful speaker who had built her own business, www.chocchick.com. A brilliant idea! What could be nicer than making your own chocolate - with ingredients which actually do you good rather than harm - or giving a Choc Chick Kit to your chocoholic friends with a completely clear conscience, knowing they will not only have fun but also enjoy health benefits. Check out this fun website and make your own delicious, healthy chocolate today!

One of my clients was killed last week in a road accident. I felt very sad as he was a genuine, caring man who had worked hard in his counselling sessions and was really beginning to feel positive again about his future. He clearly had a very good relationship with his wife and she was understandably devasted when she rang to give me the terrible news.
My immediate thought was to send her a card, but then all the issues of boundaries and confidentiality came flooding into my mind. I decided to go with my first reaction, however, and sent her a card, telling her that I knew my client loved her deeply and referred to her as "his rock". It was so much the right thing to do. She contacted me to tell me the card arrived at a particulary low moment and was a great help and comfort to her. I am so glad I went with my instincts and responded in this way.